“I’m anxious about Christmas. It seems every year there’s an argument and the pressure to have ‘the perfect Christmas’ feels greater this year. I am dreading it and want to know how to prevent this happening.”

FOR many who celebrate the traditional Aussie Christmas, images of the perfect ‘happy family’ gathering – a large group of jolly folks sitting around an over-sized table, dotted with gifts, a delectable feast, blissfully enjoying one another’s company – don’t always spring to mind. 

Christmas can be a time when isolation and loneliness feels more intense as those without family around them imagine what ‘other families’ are doing. For others, financial pressures and family expectations can feel difficult to meet. It is also a time when grief comes painfully into focus. Christmas can be fraught as old tensions and unresolved conflicts have an uncanny way of bubbling to the surface. 

When anticipation runs high, expectations can become unrealistic and out of balance. Add to that the end of year work rush, long lists of things to do, holiday plans and financial pressures and you have a situation ripe for explosions … and you haven’t even made it to lunch yet! When families finally sit down for Christmas celebrations, many are already frazzled. There is a lot of pressure on the gathering to fulfill everyone’s hopes for a joyful and ‘ideal’ occasion.

It would be wonderful to think that lockdown separations have fostered a deeper sense of gratitude around the simple pleasure of family. However, old patterns of interacting and covert roles in families can prove powerful forces in guiding behaviour. Even with the best of intentions, we can quickly be pulled into conversations that quickly lead to conflict. 

Here’s my top tips to prepare yourself for a more relaxed and ‘real’ family celebration:

Simplicity: Consider simple plans over elaborate ones to create a more relaxed day. Take the pressure off one person to create (and clean up) the perfect feast 

Gifts: Many people appreciate a handmade gift or shared experience over expensive gifts. Consider making something (draw; paint; write a letter; make cards; create edible treats like chutneys, shortbread and jam) or plan an outing you can partake in together over summer

Be mindful: Be mindful about what is important to you. Your family members don’t have to want the same things from the day for you to enjoy it for what it is to you

Boundaries: Remember the bigger
picture – everyone has a right to their feelings and personal boundaries and that includes you (it’s OK to gently say ‘no’ if it’s all too much or take some time out). 

Stay calm: Stay calm if tensions rise. Take a breather, find some space – you can regain a calm state in just a few breaths whenever you need it

Perspective: Try to be patient with your family members’ behaviours and quirks. We never know when those we love may be taken from us

Alcohol: If there are cultural and social pressures to drink, stick to what is right and safe for you. 

Connect: If you’re far from loved ones or live alone, consider volunteering in a local community group. These can provide a sense of family and belonging. 

Pick your battles: Avoid known triggers – if there are topics that trigger tense conversations in your family, consider parking them for another day.

While family Christmases can feel weighed down with expectations and the potential for conflict, I find Arielle Ford’s idea of “Wabi Sabi Love” enormously helpful. Wabi Sabi is a Japanese concept that illuminates the beauty inherent in imperfections. When you experience the imperfections in the people you love as rich reminders of who they are, you come back into contact with the possibilities for connection, the simple joy of togetherness and the freedom to make Christmas uniquely yours. 

Sharlene Townes is a couples therapist and holistic counsellor who provides sessions online and in St Ives