MANY clients who come into my therapy room, who are depleted, stressed or anxious, share a common ailment –unhealthy helping.
Unhealthy helping is compulsive or excessive helping which occurs at the expense of your own needs and wellbeing.
Do you drop everything to assist almost without thought? Do you say yes when you mean no? Do you find it excruciating to decline even when the outcome of saying yes is unfavourable for you?
This is a boundary issue and common drivers of this can be:
- Difficulty saying no – (unhelpful thought might be - “what will they think of me?”)
- Difficulty bearing the pain, disappointment, or anger from the other person - (unhelpful thought might be - “it’s easier to do it myself and avoid the confrontation”)
- Desire to feel close - (unhelpful thought might be - “if I’m always there for them, they will like/love me?”)
- Fear of losing the relationship - (unhelpful thought might be - “if I set boundaries they might reject or abandon me?”)
- Rewards - it feels good to be helpful, but this can also become addictive - (unhelpful thought might be - “I can’t say no, everyone sees me as a ‘giving’ person, it’s just who I am?”)
- Preventing guilt - (unhelpful thought might be - “I’ll feel bad if I say no, so I’ll just do it?”)
- A way of avoiding your own problems or responsibilities - (This is often not in conscious awareness).
People who get upset when you set boundaries, are often the very people who are most benefitting from you having none.
To set healthy boundaries and correct unhelpful helping, it might benefit to think of it this way:
Sometimes a ‘no’ is providing the person with an opportunity to ‘do’ for themselves and realise ‘they can’. This is a tremendous gift of resilience and enriches their self-worth.
- Next time you feel a compulsion to say yes, pause and ask yourself these questions:
- Is this person asking for your help, or are you assuming and jumping in to rescue?
- Does this person want you to fix things or are they simply seeking a listening ear?
- Is your help supportive, or is it enabling them in a lack of personal responsibility?
- Is saying ‘yes’ a means of gaining approval or likes?
- Do you really have capacity or are you already over-stretched?
- Do you need to say ‘no’ to look after yourself today?
“You best teach others about healthy boundaries by enforcing your own”
Sharlene is a Holistic Somatic Counsellor & Couples Therapist in St Ives. You can find her at www.thebarefoottherapist.com.au
