“My mother always said if infidelity occurred in her marriage my father’s suitcase would be on the front door and the locks changed ... no questions asked! My partner and I have just experienced infidelity and I don’t want to lose her. I love her deeply and I love the life we had. Is it possible to trust and rebuild after this?”
This is such a courageous question. I’m sure many people have wondered this, albeit silently. Thank you for bringing it out into the open air!
In couples therapy I witness the overwhelming pain and relationship rupture that infidelity causes. I also see the shame both people wrestle with in their very different, yet equally overwhelming experiences of trust, shattered.
Trust is not simply about sexual faithfulness however and betrayal takes many forms – not something we generally negotiate … until we need to.
Trust is a feeling, a knowing, that your partner will be there when you need them; do what they say they’ll do; choose you over others where possible and appropriate; take the time to truly listen; accept your differences and alternative perspectives. As John Gottman states, trust is built in very small moments of ‘turning toward’ your partner which, over time, provide a felt sense of safety.
What if trust is simply a “risk masquerading as a promise”? This wonderful quote, from Adam Phillips, is one which I find profoundly powerful and a source of great liberation and healing for the couples who are rebuilding after infidelity. Ultimately, are there really absolutes, can we truly expect guarantees? For many, this idea demands a deep dive into a radical new kind of thinking.
What if we could create safety by showing up for our partner whilst at the same time, loosening our grip on our need for ‘guarantees’? We may feel more able to accept this duality and refocus our attention onto what is most important - the here and now experience and the relationship we want. We may cease wandering in the land of 100%s and recognise that every time we turn toward our partner we nurture the space in between we call ‘us’.
Our willingness to work through infidelity has, thankfully, come a long way since your mother likely uttered her words, yet infidelity remains an excruciatingly difficult topic. I do acknowledge also, that for some couples, through this experience they come to see their relationship had come to an end before infidelity had occurred and they hadn’t found awareness, or a way, to face it.
In repair after rupture, couples learn to have conversations they've long needed and redefine themselves and their relationship. When they have the willingness to see infidelity as a catalyst for change, they reflect on the relationship that was; they come to make sense of how they got to here; and with great courage and clear intention, articulate a new vision for love.
Sharlene Townes is a Couples Therapist & Holistic Counsellor who provides sessions online and in Wahroonga.