“I HAVE ADHD and my partner gets frustrated about things I promise to do then promptly forget. This causes a lot of conflict. Sometimes I feel like a kid and my partner complains she feels like a parent. Help?!”

I’m sure many readers will relate to your question as ADHD is currently reported to be as prevalent as 1 in 20 Australians. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is defined as a difference in executive functioning, which is our brain’s capacity to organise, plan and regulate emotions, thoughts and behaviours. 

Like many individuals with ADHD, it’s likely you have a history littered with experiences of being excluded due to your differences and a lack of understanding around you. Childhood may have been a constant struggle to fit into ‘systems’ - school, family and community – as it was for many of my clients. This can have a devastating impact on self-esteem which makes it difficult to feel confident in relationships. This contributes to the parent/child dynamic you refer to in your question.  

That said, it’s not too difficult to understand how it might feel dismissive to your partner if she’s talking to you and you’re distracted by your phone. It’s not hard to understand why she may feel frustrated if you said you’d pay the car registration (and forgot) and she is pulled over by the police. 

These are some of the situations my couples have faced that are central to their conflict and issues of trust. Let’s not forget couples also exist within the prevailing culture which is ladened with expectations and pressures about what ‘normal’ should be. For the ADHD partner, this external comparison can further promote feelings they are somehow ‘wrong’.

While ADHD comes with challenges, it also comes with strengths which we all value in those around us such as: creativity; outside-the-box thinking; courage; intuition; sensitivity; empathy; resourcefulness; emotional intelligence; passion; wit; big-picture thinking; a deep connection to nature and animals; and more. 

When you embark on a joint mission in your relationship to understand the strengths and quirks of both individuals – rather than viewing the ADHD behaviours as the ‘problem’ - you nurture personal growth and self-esteem for both individuals. Here are some helpful areas to focus on:

• Mutual acceptance and patience - you may not understand each other’s experiences, but hold your perceptions lightly, choose to believe in the good intentions of the other and be willing to remain curious. Ask questions to seek to understand – differences make life interesting
• ADHD strategies – learn strategies for day-to-day tasks you find challenging to ensure you feel confident to carry equal responsibility in the relationship and be a cheerleader for your strengths
• Conflict style – learn strategies to regulate heightened emotions in conflict so you create healthier patterns of communication and negotiation 
• Unique contributions - celebrate the value you each bring to the relationship. When you can work to your strengths you both feel supported to fulfil your potential 
• Change - respond to the longing for change underneath both of your feelings and commit to a more mindful and intentioned relationship. These strategies are a wonderful place to start. 

While ADHD represents differences in brain processing, strengths and challenges, we are all deserving of understanding and acceptance for being who we are. In relationships, when you shift out of assumptions - into curiosity – into seeking to know the experience of the other person – you both become better able to imagine what it’s like to be in your partner’s shoes. 

This builds a bridge to openness, mutual understanding, respect and equality, paving the way for neurodiverse partners, and romantic love, to thrive. 

Sharlene Townes is a Couples Therapist & Holistic Counsellor who provides sessions online and in St Ives. Go to www.thebarefoottherapist.com.au