My partner and I argue more as the years go by. We are both so saddened and exhausted by it. How do we reconnect despite being very different people?

As you were drawn together by the intrigue and thrill of your differences, so too may those differences be the source of your current conflict. As a couple’s therapist I see this so often. 

So why do differences draw us into another’s orbit then come to feel like the cause of a cavernous divide?

When we first collide with one another we are fascinated and invigorated by all that is not like us. We embark on a wondrous journey of discovery and exploration when we first get to know the other person. We are wired for this novelty!

As time travels along and life together begins to feel ‘familiar’, couples often show one another less curiosity and acceptance for ‘differences’. This can feed perceptions of disconnection and destabilise the relationship – “you’re not like me and I don’t feel safe when we are not the same”. 

Wonderful insights lie in wait in your origin story.

Make a date to discuss the differences that first attracted you to one another. In my experience with couples, wonderful insights lie in wait in your relationship origin story. Listen for the strengths that your differences bring to you both personally. Notice how these differences foster broader perspectives, self-expansion and provide an opportunity for balance. Life together would feel rather stagnant if we didn’t stimulate one another to grow! Changing your perception of differences can interrupt conflict and transform your relationship 

I am privileged to witness transformation and meaningful reconnection in couples who work bravely and honestly to understand their differences. Carve out time for this conversation. Your relationship deserves this. 

Sharlene Townes is a couple’s therapist and holistic counsellor in Wahroonga. For more details, visit her website